Asked by Woman, 34
He says we are intimate because we sleep together. I feel lonely in the same bed.
Sex can be intimacy. It is not the only kind, and it is a lousy translator for “I feel known.” If she is lonely in the bed, something in the rest of the day is missing: attention without a goal, questions, repair after a fight. Do not argue the dictionary. Ask what would make her feel accompanied.
Intimacy is being able to be unimpressive around someone and still wanted. Shared jokes, unhurried touch, telling the truth when it is awkward. If the only time you get closeness is during sex, that is a schedule, not a marriage. You are allowed to want the unsexy parts.
Pick one non-sexual practice for two weeks: phones down for twenty minutes after work, or a walk with no podcast. Then talk about whether the loneliness moved. If it did not, the problem is not a definition.
After both answers