Asked by Woman, 34
I chase, he withdraws, we both think the other is the problem.
It can work if both people see the dance and refuse the lead. If only one person does the work, it becomes a hunt. The avoidant needs to come toward on a schedule, not when panicked. The anxious needs to stop using pursuit as oxygen. Insight without new moves is just vocabulary.
This pairing is common because it feels like chemistry. It is often two nervous systems confirming their worst stories. You can love each other and still be a bad fit if neither of you will change the choreography. Do not have children with a pattern you have only named.
Agree one pursuit rule and one reach-back rule for two weeks. If either of you cannot keep it, the pairing is the problem.
After both answers